my heart

Throughout my entire pregnancy, I swore to everyone this was it; we weren't having any more kids. I was THAT miserable. The whole 36 weeks and 6 days. And it was hugely disappointing to me because I had waited and wanted this for so long. I always imagined I would be the super healthy, active mommy-to-be type. I never imagined these babies would have another plan in mind.

But even with all that I endured during those 8+ months, just two weeks after having my little bundles of joy, I started to think 'it really wasn't THAT bad; I could do this again - with one baby next time.' So here I am again. Another child has been on my heart since two weeks after my E&E were born, and that desire has grown stronger with each passing month. I never knew how many children I wanted until I actually had them. Now I know I want four. But four won't be possible.

I don't know why I want four kids but I do. Well, I have a small reason for it but otherwise nothing overly concrete. It just feels right, like I have my twins and I know I want more kids. So if I have one more child, then they may feel left out because they are not a twin. So then if I had one more after that, they wouldn't feel alone and like they weren't special because they weren't a twin. There would be two non-twins. It just seems perfect to me to have a set of twins and two non-twin babies. Make sense?

How do I know I won't have four children? Because I'm now 35 (will be 36 next month) and my hubby is nine years older than me. So really, it's because of his age. (We have some embryos in the freezer so my age is less of a concern.) Also, my husband is adamant that he does not want any more children. Ever. He says he is happy with E&E and that they are enough for him. Ideally, I'd like to wait one more year before having another child, because let's face it, twins are not easy. But like most in this community, time isn't on our side.

So now I'm at a crossroads - either come up with a super, fantastic, wonderful, best-argument-ever to present to my hubby and get him to change his mind. Or ignore my heart. And go on living life. The problem is, I don't know how to do the latter. I spent eight years of my adult life TTC; it's like it's engrained in me so deeply that I don't know how to *not* TTC.

I have been trying to have conversations with my hubby off and on over the last several months about why I want to have another child but I've had a hard time properly articulating my reasons to him. It's like I feel it so strongly in my heart that words just fail me. But I do know the biggest reason that continues to run through my mind: we will never regret having another child but we may regret not having one. Or maybe it's just *I* will never regret having another child but he will?

So. Many. Thoughts.

Having another child has been weighing on me especially hard this fall, too. I think it's because this is the time of year that I found out I was expecting E&E back in 2012. And also because I have three, yes THREE, girlfriends who are pregnant right now. I am so beyond happy for them - truly - but it is still SO hard for me to hear about their pregnancies. Specifically, it's hard hearing the initial news that they are expecting, and then the news that their babies have arrived. All the in-between stuff I'm ok with, and actually love hearing.*

So I think for my next post, I need to gather my thoughts and compile a list of what I want to say to my hubby about why we should have another baby. I know I will be ok with one more child and not two; two would just be my ideal, perfect-world scenario. So if you have any ground-breaking arguments or knowledge you would like to impart on me, please feel free. Oh, and also prayers. I can always use your prayers to help me get through this, whether the outcome is what is in my heart or not.

*Actually, this part seems to vary from friend to friend, pregnancy to pregnancy.  I wish my feelings about others' pregnancies were more predictable but just when I think I'm ok with one particular aspect, my feelings - and my heart and mind - betray me.