catching up

I'm so out of practice with this whole blogging thing. I have another private blog that I write for / about my twins...stuff about their every day lives, and milestones like first haircuts, etc. I haven't even been able to keep up with that during the past three months. I have all kinds of reasons but mostly I've just been worn out, stressed out, and needed a break.

After my last post on this blog way back in October (!), I began drafting a letter of sorts to my husband to try to better communicate my reasons for wanting another baby. Try as I might, I never published that post because the words just felt so...weak. So inadequate. I have had such a hard time putting the feelings in my heart into words that are publishable, or even into something that my lips can articulate. Don't get me wrong, I've started many, many conversations with my husband about giving IVF another go (or rather, FET), but it always ends the same: no decision made, me in silent tears because my heart and soul yearn so strongly for another child, and him, seemingly impassive yet firm at the same time in not wanting another child, and not really giving the topic another thought once the conversation is over. He has actually admitted that last part...he doesn't think about having / not having another baby unless I bring it up.

I haven't been on BC either...not for the past 10 years (except for a month or two here and there as necessary for a medical procedure). And no happy 'accidents.' :/ I'm one of those infertiles who will never 'accidentally' become pregnant. I've been living with that realization for so long that I think I've finally accepted it...as much as an infertile can accept it, anyway. Which, I guess means I haven't really accepted it.

Anyway, I'm blogging again today after months of silence because I've had a few appointments with my OB/GYN lately. It started with my annual checkup on Wednesday, March 11 and a diagnosis of 'metrorrhagia.' Which basically means my periods last longer that 10 days. I've always had longer episodes of flow, attributed to endometriosis, but going beyond 7 - 10 days was a new development after I had my twins in 2013.

So my Dr. recommended another SIS to see what was going on. Ugh, I hate that test. So. Painful. It supposedly isn't painful for most normal people, but in my experience, it is just as bad as an HSG. My test was scheduled for Wednesday, April 15. And let's just say it was a failure of epic proportions. I lost count after maybe four attempts by my Dr. to insert the catheter for the dye. I'm thinking she tried at least another four times, with help from her nurse, after that. And it took all I had not to holler in pain at the top of my lungs. I kept trying to remind myself I didn't want to terrify the other patients in the building. And then my Dr. finally gave up. She said I put up with her long enough and she remarked sincerely several times how she hates to hurt her patients. I didn't hold it against her, I think mostly because I fully expected it to hurt.

Afterwards, I got dressed and she met me in another exam room to discuss what happened and my options going forward. She said every time I tensed up in pain as she tried to insert the catheter, my pelvic floor muscles were so strong and tense they pushed the speculum out, which caused the catheter to not stay in place either. She said she's never had that happen before and basically most of the women in her care would be envious of such fit muscles *ahem* down there. I guess if there is one silver lining in this whole thing it would be that. I may not ever be able to get pregnant without medical intervention but I have super human pelvic floor strength, dammit!

She said my options going forward were to schedule another SIS in her office like this one, only next time take a muscle relaxer and insert a pill to soften my cervix. Or schedule a 'surgery' date, insert the pill to soften my cervix the night before, and be knocked out with anesthesia for the actual procedure. I didn't hesitate in saying I wanted to be knocked out.

My Dr. wasn't sure what the problem was with this attempt at an SIS but she suspected the catheter might have been getting caught on my c-section scar. She tried to tell me to relax during the procedure so I wouldn't push the instruments out but I just couldn't do it. Between sobs, I managed to choke out 'I don't know how to relax when it hurts so much!' She also indicated she was able to see something on the ultrasound during the procedure and that I might have a septum in my uterus, which was a bit shocking to me. She didn't know why it was only showing up now when it had not appeared during any of my other ultrasounds ever. But she said we will know more after my next appointment to try the SIS under anesthesia.

My next SIS was scheduled for Friday, May 29. Everything went well, according to my husband, who my Dr. spoke with while I was in recovery, except how saddened I felt when they requested a urine sample for a pregnancy test before they wheeled me away (which I ended up not providing since I'd just had another pregnancy test two days prior with my pre-op check-up...talk about adding insult to injury). I woke up feeling very tired and emotional - both a common side effect of the anesthesia. I was feeling extra emotional about wanting another baby and was crying in front of the nurse and my husband. Although I didn't say why I was crying until the nurse left my room. And as I came out of the fog of being put under, I had many questions for my hubby about my procedure but he did not ask questions or get many details from my Dr. So of course I had to wait until my post-op appointment on Wednesday, June 24 to get some answers. I guess I could have called the nurse line with my questions but I just decided to wait and talk to my Dr. in person.

At my follow-up appointment, my Dr. said she found both polyps and fibroids and that one of them was quite large and was located near the opening of my cervix. She said that was what was blocking her from inserting the catheter at my first appointment, and that even with the medication to soften my cervix, she had quite a difficult time getting the catheter in place. She said I made the right choice to be put under. So she shaved down the polyps and fibroids and ordered a blood test. She said my blood test was positive for fibroids and polyps, which meant I will always have them. But they definitely were never there before. I mean, they had the potential to be there, they just had not grown and protruded out of my uterus before. Great. Add this to my list of fertility deficiencies. I really didn't think she was going to find anything so it was both a relief and a heartache to hear there was more that was wrong with me.

We discussed plans for the future and if my husband was on board yet with having another baby. He hadn't fully and firmly said no so I just said yes because I was tired of having the conversation about trying to convince him. She said we could go ahead and try getting pregnant on our own for about three months, then we could move to clomid. I said I'd rather move straight to FET since we still had embryos in storage after our last fertility treatments and she agreed that it was ok to skip the clomid...unless I wanted to try it because it would be more cost effective if it did work. Time is not on our side so I'm still thinking we'll skip the clomid.

And that brings us up to today. Or this past weekend, rather. My hubby and I had a good long talk on Friday (during a 10-hour road trip with the kids) whether to have another baby. Basically, we made no decision and I intended to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor to help us work through our differences. But since it was already after business hours, that had to wait until Monday. On Saturday, DH visited his parents who live about an hour away. Before he left I said something like 'Maybe you'll have time today to think about what you want.' Because he always tells me he doesn't think about it unless I bring it up so I wanted to put a little bug in his ear. We didn't talk about it again the rest of the day. On Sunday, we drove to my sister's house for dinner and the topic came up again. I asked him if he had made a decision yet, and to my complete and utter shock he said yes. He said he is 'reluctantly saying yes to scheduling a consultation.' I was excited about the 'yes' part but not about the 'reluctant' part. So I asked him 'what if your answer was no? how would you feel?' He said it would also be a reluctant no, mostly because he knows how much I want it. So there you have it. Not the best answer and not the worst.

I called our RE today to schedule a consultation and was heartbroken to hear the first available appointment was not until Wednesday, September 16 at 9:00 am. Ugh. I had hoped to have our transfer done in September and now, if we move forward with it, it likely won't happen until November. I did, however, ask to be added to the waiting list if someone else cancels so there's that. But I also asked how many people are in front of us and how often a cancellation actually occurs. The scheduler said there were a lot of people in front of us and that cancellations are rare. Not looking good for growing our Baby Three in September...I really wanted a due date near my (deceased) mother's birthday. :'(

So we will see what happens.