fearful

I started this post a couple months ago but I'm just now getting around to publishing it:

I feel like I need to get this out in order to move past it: for as much as I want to have another baby, I still have fears. I'm sure, for a lot of women, this is normal. But when I have argued so long and so hard to change my hubby's mind and get him on board with another baby, I have this nagging guilt that I'm not supposed to have any fears.

What am I most afraid of? Lack of sleep. I've always been someone who does best on 9+ hours so going back to feedings every three hours, plus having two toddlers to take care of - who will not be on the same nap schedule as a new baby - freaks me out. I mean seriously - how do people do it with multiple children of multiple ages and multiple routines?!?! It gives me anxiety just thinking about it, but I know when it comes down to it, if we are blessed with another baby, we will do what needs to be done. Just like when we had two babies at once. Funny enough, I was never once afraid of having twins.

I'm afraid of the expense. We are already on such a tightbudget every month, doubt creeps into my mind about whether we can actually afford another baby. This one is really hard for me to admit because I want another baby so much. But I also want a new house...our twins need separate bedrooms (and we need to live in a nicer / safer neighborhood). For everyone's sanity. So we are actively pursuing building our next home; we just need to decide on a floor plan. Can we really afford a new home and a new baby at the same time? Yikes. I hate feeling like I'm being forced to choose between a new home and a new baby. I just want to make them both work. Somehow, though, we could do it. It just might not be in the way I / we want it to be (i.e. tapping into our savings account or hiring an au pair instead of sending our kids to daycare...I'm not crazy about the live-in nanny thing but I guess it's better than going broke).

I'm afraid I'll fail at breastfeeding. Again. Don't get me wrong...I'm not one of those who thinks "breast is best" and is completely anti-formula. I want to be able to do it for the emotional connection. The few times I was able to breastfeed my twins, it was the most wonderful and amazing experience. I just loved it and I want it to be a better experience this time (if there is a this time).

I'm afraid of more stretch marks. And worsening sagging nipples from pumping if breastfeeding doesn't work. Really - did the latter happen to anyone else? I haven't been able to find a single other person who experienced this. It's so...depressing. I was fine with everything that happened to my body during my twin pregnancy until the stretch marks started at 34 weeks, and by that time, I was already measuring 40 weeks. They just kept growing and creeping up on me for another three weeks. Then the sagging nipples from the force of pumping, which I didn't even notice was happening until a few month after I quit pumping. I suppose because it took some time for my boobs to go back to normal.

I'm afraid of the delivery. Period. Whether it ends up being vaginal or another C-section. I would prefer a VBAC but I'm afraid of causing damage to my lady parts...and ending up with significant scar tissue in two areas of my body - my abdomen from my prior C-section and my nether regions from a vaginal birth. And just ending up with a broken body that feels less attractive in the presence of my husband. I don't think he would feel this way about me but I'm certain I would feel this way about myself. Alternatively, I'm afraid of worsening scar tissue on my abdomen from a repeat C-section and worsening numbness in that area as well. My lower abs are still numb from my incision over two years ago. I hate it.

I'm afraid of developing preeclampsia again and all the other miserable pregnancy (and delivery) side effects I experienced. (And believe me - I had it all. Ok, not literally all, but a considerable number of them.) I'm afraid of not enjoying my pregnancy. Again.

I'm afraid I'll want another baby again (a fourth) and my hubby will then be about 50. That's a big YIKES according to the norms of society. Unless you're rich and famous and on your third marriage. Or something.

I'm afraid of only having three kids and our third feeling left out because he / she isn't a twin. I have two sisters (I'm in the middle), and I remember purposely leaving my younger sister out of things when we were growing up - at the direction of my older sister - which I now feel bad about. I'm afraid if we have another boy, our only daughter will feel left out. And vice versa if we have another girl.

I'm afraid having another child will be hard on my marriage. My hubby is not one of those doting fathers who is eager to help with the kids or come to their rescue when they cry or just need a diaper or a hug. He loves his kids but he is easily bothered by the messiness that comes with them. So I usually end up being the primary care giver, which sometimes causes me to feel angry and resentful. And also makes our kids prefer me over Daddy, which isn't a great thing when they both want me at the same time but don't want to share me with the other either.

Ok, this one sounds silly, even to me but...I'm afraid of cooking and feeding and planning meals for three kids of two different ages. Mostly because cooking has never been a big priority for me. I don't mind cooking when I have the time and energy - and those will both be in high demand with adding another human to our family. But now that E&E are over two, it's getting so much easier. I'm afraid to go back to the hard part again.

I'm afraid of starting over and losing what little flexibility and freedom I've gained since my twins are now 28 months old. It was next to impossible to get out of the house on my own with two babies for maybe the first 14 months (for things like groceries or a haircut...the park wasn't such a big deal). Will I be isolated all over again if we have another baby? Will it be even harder to get out and do things with three kids?

I'm afraid of transferring one embryo and having it split in two and going through the infant stage with twins all over again. I think back to how it was with my twins for the first year and I really have no idea how I did it, especially when I was home on an extended maternity leave for seven months. All by myself until my hubby came home from work. At the same time, I would also feel blessed to have two babies simultaneously again...and then I would have my four kids and my worries of someone being left out would be nearly nonexistent!

I'm afraid of going through six more FETs for all six embryos (if we could even bear the expense of six FETs) and having no take-home baby. This would be the ultimate heartbreak. Or attempting to thaw our embryos and having none of them survive.

I'm not necessarily afraid of this next one but I am very resistant to it happening: getting a minivan. I will do almost anything to never be a minivan-driving mom. Almost.

This probably isn't a totally comprehensive list, and I have a feeling some of these fears stemmed from having two babies at the same time and how hard that was, but I also have moments where I think having just one baby would be so easy compared to raising twins. And because of that I sometimes find myself saying "I've got this!"